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Where Do I Belong?5/24/2025 A heavy disservice to my soul, deeply longing to return to stage where my spirit soars, interrupted by the labors of life and struggle for independence, feeling far from the path my heart was meant to follow. Working three jobs with nothing to show for it, especially not any form of financial stability, is something I struggle to grasp on a daily basis and I often feel like a traveler lost in a land not my own.
March 16th, 20253/16/2025 Greetings..
Greetings. Let’s be real—music streaming services are making billions while paying the artists they depend on next to nothing. And because that’s where the listeners are, bands don’t have much of a choice. If we want to be heard, we have to be on these platforms, even if it means we’re getting paid scraps for our work. Back in the day, people actually bought music—CDs, records, downloads. That model’s basically gone now. To most people, music feels “free,” and so the value that once existed in buying an album to support a band has all but disappeared. I suppose a question to ask would be “would you rather have low proceeds or no proceeds?” Of course that answer is clear to any artist: we want the profits from the selling of our art. Like any other job or profession, the money we earn from our work goes toward supporting ourselves and our families, paying bills, feeding our families, etc. I believe that if all music lovers truly knew how little their favorite artists were paid, primarily due to these streaming services that dominate the market today, they would abandon them completely and find a different means of attaining the artist’s product. It wasn’t so long ago that piracy was a major concern in the music industry and although that concept is still abused today with such things as movies, television shows, games, etc., which also still includes music, we have essentially abandoned an illegal system that pays nothing for a legal system that pays nothing. Bands that refuse to list their music on such streaming platforms like Spotify, Apple Music, Deezer, Pandora, Amazon Music, Google Play, YouTube Music, and a plethora of others, all have fewer listeners, fewer record sales, and dramatically limit their exposure. If fans really knew how little artists make from streaming, I honestly believe many of them would walk away from these services. For now, we’ll take three of the top dogs: Spotify, Amazon Music, and YouTube Music.
Let’s break it down:
Now divide that by four if you’re in a band, then subtract taxes, label cuts, management fees, gear costs, recording costs, and everything else that goes into making music. That money disappears fast. In Texas, for example, $827.50 per bandmate from a million Spotify streams turns into about $759 after taxes—before you’ve even bought a new drum head or replaced a broken guitar cable. Making music isn’t cheap. Studio time alone can run $10,000–$25,000 for a decent album. Add in gear, merch, tour costs, and it becomes clear: even with “success” in streaming numbers, most artists are deep in the red. People used to talk about piracy like it was the death of the industry—and yeah, it was a big problem. But now we’ve replaced one system that didn’t pay artists with another legal one… that still doesn’t pay artists. Only now it’s the norm. Some bands try to take a stand and keep their music off streaming services, but that just means fewer fans, fewer plays, and even fewer chances to earn. It’s a no-win situation. I’ve been a drummer for over 20 years—professional for 14. I’ve put in tens of thousands of hours into this. I’m not exaggerating. Like so many musicians, I do it because I love it. But love doesn’t pay the bills. And when people say “maybe you should just do something else,” they don’t get it. For some of us, this isn’t just something we do—it’s who we are. So next time you’re at a show and you see a local band selling a $10 or $20 CD, or charging for merch—know that it’s more than just a product. You’re not just buying music. You’re helping cover studio time. You’re helping someone feed their kids. You’re saying “I see you, I hear you, and your work matters.” We’ve done the work. We’ve paid the bills. We’ve made something for you to enjoy. All we ask is to be respected—and fairly compensated—for it. Entry VI; Thursday January 21, 20211/21/2021 Greetings.
I don’t speak for Trump supporters, Biden supporters, or Bernie supporters. I speak only as one American—someone who, deep down, still holds a quiet hope that this country can return to the values it was originally built on. If you’ve read even a little of our history, you’ll know the United States was born from people fleeing tyranny, persecution, and corruption—seeking freedom, dignity, and a chance to build something better. The principles they laid down—moral, ethical, and rooted in individual liberty—are still ours today. But let’s be honest: I don’t think the authors of the Constitution could’ve imagined how far those ideals would be twisted and stretched to fit today’s world. Each of us lives in a different reality, shaped by our experiences, values, and beliefs. That diversity should be a strength, not a wedge. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, nor do I claim to understand the complexities of government. But what’s painfully obvious today is just how much power the media holds—and how easily facts are drowned out by bias, narratives, and agendas. We are bombarded with information every day, yet somehow know less about the truth. That’s not freedom of speech—it’s exploitation of it. It’s because of this disillusionment—along with seeing how often our freedoms are abused or taken for granted—that a part of me wonders what it would take to rebuild this nation from the ground up. This isn’t a threat. It’s a reflection. What would it take for real reform? What would it take for people to wake up and ask: are we really living by the values this country was built on? I’m not interested in politics. I have no loyalty to any party or agenda. To me, both sides seem more interested in beating each other than building something meaningful. That’s the problem. Politics today feels like a power struggle, not a path forward. I believe most politicians, at some point, had good ideas and good intentions. But those ideas are drowned out in a sea of partisan noise, media bias, and performative outrage. It’s frustrating. It's disheartening. And worst of all, it's familiar. We once fled this kind of system. Now, it seems we’ve become it. There’s a saying: “If you don’t learn from history, you’re doomed to repeat it.” And sadly, it feels like we’re already deep into the repeat. The corruption, the division, the disregard for truth—it’s all there, just under new names and better branding. This might sound immature to some, but I have no interest in debating politics or religion. Not because I’m closed-minded, but because so much of what we now call “reality” is shaped by belief, not by fact. And when beliefs become blind—intentionally or not—they’re dangerous, no matter which side you’re on. Blind loyalty, no matter how noble it feels, is still blindness. Entry V; Sunday January 10, 20211/10/2021 Greetings.
There is no time like the present. Take a good look around you. Seriously, stop and take a minute to yourself to really soak everything in; breathe and let the sights, smells, thoughts and emotions set in. Tomorrow they will not be the same. Change is coming whether you want it or not, like it or not, accept it or not. Change is inevitable. When I think about the future, I begin to feel nauseous, light headed, anxiety and my adrenaline skyrocket. I’d be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I wasn’t absolutely terrified of the future. My dreams are a reflection of people, places, things, and scenarios that have shaped me and although I can say I am proud how I am, certain [for whatever reason] dark elements still linger on in thought and mind. Images have been seeded that will never decay through time. However, time itself it changing and shaping our current realities into our own individual and personalities heaven or hell. At times, time is at a complete standstill; others, days and weeks go by without having a single reflection on the present. Truly appreciate what you have right now. Things will not be the same today as they are tomorrow, just as they weren’t yesterday as they are today. Take a moment...for you...to be aware of your existence and your reality. Be better. Do better. For yourself and for those around you. The life modeled for you was eventually given to you to shape at your leisure and in your own fashion, so mold it into one you never need a vacation from; develop a stability in your mind, body, and soul, for time is changing and you’ll need the strength to carry on. Entry IV; Sunday Jan 3, 20211/3/2021 Greetings.
I often reflect on previous relationships and friendships with people and like many, dwell on both positive and negative things I have experienced and/or learned from them. In doing so, my mind often wanders to other places, contemplating different scenarios or things I might do differently now, all of which I have realized give me anxiety. I can only view things through my own eyes and with my own perceptive bias, so trying to see another’s point of view can be challenging for me, however I understand that by doing so, successfully or not, I am learning about myself and how to be more considerate. Subsequently, I also ask myself why do I not have more in life? Not to ask in a greedy fashion, but simply why do I not do more; be more; create more; be more active; live more? I have stopped looking back upon many past memories and getting down on myself for feeling like I didn’t do more, but I view it for the reality it is and apply it to the present, trying to create a life in which I never need a vacation from. There is a beauty in change, whether creation or destruction, life or death, love or hate; time will grant all. I have found that by writing these posts, they are a great reflection of how truly sporadic my thoughts are, yet they are calculated and organized with their manifestations. Part of the reason why I function this way is due to music and the ability to view all fills, drum beats, musical notation, and the overall combination of all as a giant mathematical sequence in which I can easily (or sometimes not so easily) put together and make sense of. This has proven to be far harder with things outside of music such as in dealings with feelings, emotions, and especially in reflecting on positive things that decayed into negative things. It is a struggle I have dealt with throughout life, which in and of itself is a struggle to grasp, and I find that on the days in which I ask myself “why aren’t I doing more,” the motivation washes over me, but only temporarily. The more I remind myself to do more, to be more, and to not settle for anything less than I feel I deserve, the better things have gotten within my life. This cannot purely be by coincidence. At the end of the day, sometimes even at the beginning of the day, a personal reminder that I am flawed and because I am flawed, I am free to do anything - to learn and grow and to struggle- is a good challenge to accept and attempt to overcome. Make sense of the chaos. I do not need, nor will I subject myself, to those whom I do not resonate with or whom don’t share the same personal goals of growing and continuously trying to be a better person. I can only focus on my development and trying to be the best man I can be for myself and hopefully benefit those around me and start there and even with the flaws and issues I have within my own life, I will not let others’ conditions that they do not acknowledge and attend to bring me down in any form or fashion. It will be a good day because I will make it as such and I will continue to move forward without past interferences hindering life. Entry III; Friday January 1, 20211/1/2021 Greetings.
Happy new year to all and #fuck2020. So glad that shit is over, yet as we all know, the bullshit of 2020 with extend into this new year, at least somewhat. We will be fine. Last night I had a dreams that got me to think about several deep things (that’s what she said). The dream was about a friend of mine, or whatever we are now, and I who started out as friends, then lovers, and things go kinda fuzzy after that. In the dream, I was remembering this person as they were in 2010,: their mannerisms, looks, sex, attitude, character, etc. Of course at time has gone by, they have changed into who they currently are, which is someone different than I remember. This got me to thinking about something I think we all face at some point, possibly even struggle with, with friends/partners who we used to have something for/with. The way in which we perceive ourselves is obviously not the way in which we come off to other no matter how hard we try, and even more so when you add the factor of change over time. The way someone once was, especially if you were close to that person at one point and are no longer, is preserved in our memories and while (at the time) it was true, it is also a lie. Certain mannerisms and characteristics of people are carried out over time, while others are lost, for better or worse. I understand this is part of growing, learning, and maturing. However, how we think someone to be an how they actually are are both correct, and yet simultaneously are incorrect. How can this be? I don’t think I have an answer, although I’m sure psychology majors and people who study mental health and character development could explain in a more relatable way that I ever could. The phrase “time heals all wounds” comes to mind for some reason. In the death of one of my closest friends and girlfriends Charlene, many things of that lifetime were buried over time and although I can remember many great things, the struggles of losing someone that close never truly go away. The same can be said for those whom are still alive, but we have lost (or feel like we’ve lost) throughout our lives. There is little to no chance of rekindling those relationships that once were and are no longer, however the memories of what were, preserved forever in our heart and soul, are not what are here in the present. Sure things could have potentially turned out different, but they didn’t, and what we are left to deal with is the here, now, and the reality of what is rather than a false misrepresentation of present reality from a past reality. Hopefully that makes sense and others out there can relate. This is not the first time I have had these types of dreams and when I awake from them, I am usually in a funk, missing that person or at least the person I thought they were. Entry II; Saturday, December 26, 202012/26/2020 Greetings.
Finally some (moderate) time off. Question: what is moderation? The holidays (for the most part) are over and I find myself once again mentally retreating into a place of self-awareness and self-development, questioning how much time is a “moderate” amount of time to spend on the various areas of my life and what/how/where I spend my time. More often than not, I don’t realize how much I have exceeded this “moderation” into something more excessive, spending hours and hours playing World of Warcraft, hours into days with the girlfriend where (feeling) nothing is really progressing with either of us individually or as a couple. I suppose in dealing with all of these experiences, specifically speaking on relationship matters, it’s all a somewhat new experience for me, so it’s all things I welcome, even if it is a struggle. I have learned to be open and honest with myself about the reality things. I think this is a strength that others struggle with as a lot of people who cannot be honest with themselves create a false reality in which their shrouded view of the would is how the actual world is; a false interpretation of reality. This topic is something I would love to discuss at another time, but i digress. If I am being perfectly honest with myself, I not happy. Nor am I sad or depressed. I simply am. I’m alive and carrying on the only way(s) in which I know how. Things could be better and they could certainly be much worse, and although I have things I could complain about, I have accepted that complaining about them is moot. If I wish for change, I make it myself. Most of these changes I have made alone, with the exception of aid from those close to me like my dad and few friends. I have never been the best at limiting myself for many things, which is why I ask the question “what is moderation?” so that I may be able to find a balance without pushing things. The older I get, the more I realize that my sense of humor and using humor as a coping and defensive mechanism in order to deal with real-world serious issues, the more I realize how much others see this and not only do not handle things in the same way, but others do not receive it well and as a result, I have few friends. I have been okay with this for a number of years, however I am still questioning myself as to what moderation is so that I may be able to find other, more productive and positive ways of dealing with things. Entry I; Monday December 21, 202012/21/2020 Greetings.
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