Entry III; Friday January 1, 2021

Greetings.
​Happy new year to all and #fuck2020. So glad that shit is over, yet as we all know, the bullshit of 2020 with extend into this new year, at least somewhat. We will be fine.

Last night I had a dreams that got me to think about several deep things (that’s what she said). The dream was about a friend of mine, or whatever we are now, and I who started out as friends, then lovers, and things go kinda fuzzy after that. In the dream, I was remembering this person as they were in 2010,: their mannerisms, looks, sex, attitude, character, etc. Of course at time has gone by, they have changed into who they currently are, which is someone different than I remember. This got me to thinking about something I think we all face at some point, possibly even struggle with, with friends/partners who we used to have something for/with. The way in which we perceive ourselves is obviously not the way in which we come off to other no matter how hard we try, and even more so when you add the factor of change over time. The way someone once was, especially if you were close to that person at one point and are no longer, is preserved in our memories and while (at the time) it was true, it is also a lie.

Certain mannerisms and characteristics of people are carried out over time, while others are lost, for better or worse. I understand this is part of growing, learning, and maturing. However, how we think someone to be an how they actually are are both correct, and yet simultaneously are incorrect. How can this be? I don’t think I have an answer, although I’m sure psychology majors and people who study mental health and character development could explain in a more relatable way that I ever could.

The phrase “time heals all wounds” comes to mind for some reason. In the death of one of my closest friends and girlfriends Charlene, many things of that lifetime were buried over time and although I can remember many great things, the struggles of losing someone that close never truly go away. The same can be said for those whom are still alive, but we have lost (or feel like we’ve lost) throughout our lives. There is little to no chance of rekindling those relationships that once were and are no longer, however the memories of what were, preserved forever in our heart and soul, are not what are here in the present. Sure things could have potentially turned out different, but they didn’t, and what we are left to deal with is the here, now, and the reality of what is rather than a false misrepresentation of present reality from a past reality. Hopefully that makes sense and others out there can relate. This is not the first time I have had these types of dreams and when I awake from them, I am usually in a funk, missing that person or at least the person I thought they were.