Entry IV; Sunday Jan 3, 2021

Greetings.
I often reflect on previous relationships and friendships with people and like many, dwell on both positive and negative things I have experienced and/or learned from them. In doing so, my mind often wanders to other places, contemplating different scenarios or things I might do differently now, all of which I have realized give me anxiety.

I can only view things through my own eyes and with my own perceptive bias, so trying to see another’s point of view can be challenging for me, however I understand that by doing so, successfully or not, I am learning about myself and how to be more considerate. Subsequently, I also ask myself why do I not have more in life? Not to ask in a greedy fashion, but simply why do I not do more; be more; create more; be more active; live more? I have stopped looking back upon many past memories and getting down on myself for feeling like I didn’t do more, but I view it for the reality it is and apply it to the present, trying to create a life in which I never need a vacation from.

There is a beauty in change, whether creation or destruction, life or death, love or hate; time will grant all. I have found that by writing these posts, they are a great reflection of how truly sporadic my thoughts are, yet they are calculated and organized with their manifestations. Part of the reason why I function this way is due to music and the ability to view all fills, drum beats, musical notation, and the overall combination of all as a giant mathematical sequence in which I can easily (or sometimes not so easily) put together and make sense of. This has proven to be far harder with things outside of music such as in dealings with feelings, emotions, and especially in reflecting on positive things that decayed into negative things. It is a struggle I have dealt with throughout life, which in and of itself is a struggle to grasp, and I find that on the days in which I ask myself “why aren’t I doing more,” the motivation washes over me, but only temporarily. The more I remind myself to do more, to be more, and to not settle for anything less than I feel I deserve, the better things have gotten within my life. This cannot purely be by coincidence.

​At the end of the day, sometimes even at the beginning of the day, a personal reminder that I am flawed and because I am flawed, I am free to do anything - to learn and grow and to struggle- is a good challenge to accept and attempt to overcome. Make sense of the chaos. I do not need, nor will I subject myself, to those whom I do not resonate with or whom don’t share the same personal goals of growing and continuously trying to be a better person. I can only focus on my development and trying to be the best man I can be for myself and hopefully benefit those around me and start there and even with the flaws and issues I have within my own life, I will not let others’ conditions that they do not acknowledge and attend to bring me down in any form or fashion. It will be a good day because I will make it as such and I will continue to move forward without past interferences hindering life.